03 Aug

1. Let thoughts flow through my monologue so that the words make sense.

2. Make a clear point of where my realization comes.  It is really important to have obvious shifts in this very active monologue - I shift from painting the mask of a perfect relationship, to confessing my love to Karen, and finally to realizing permanent damage has been caused by me.

3. Be messy.  Since my character is going through all these huge thoughts and is at the emotional peak of the whole play (she kills herself after making this confession), I literally have no control at the point but throwing my words and feelings.

4. Be specific about my invisible scene partner.  There is a point of me saying all these words to Karen - I have the need to make her understand my love and to eventually make my apology.  So this need should be in the back of my mind, driving me through the monologue.

This monologue is messy because it's about self realization.
This monologue is also soft because it's based on my love to Karen.
I'm looking forward to the mock audition with Eric next week!

MARTHA (talking to KAREN):

We aren't like that.  We don't love each other.  (Suddenly stops, crosses to fireplace, stands looking abstractedly at Karen.  Speaks casually.)  We've been close to each other, of course.  I've loved you like a friend, the way thousands of women feel about other women.

There’s nothing wrong about that.  It's perfectly natural that I should be fond of you, that I should… love you.

But maybe I love you that way.  The way they said I loved you.  I don't know.  There’s always been something wrong.  Always – as long as I can remember.  But I never knew until all this happened.

I've been telling myself that I’m guilty since the night we heard the child say it.  I’ve been praying I could convince myself otherwise.  I can’t, I can’t any longer.  It’s there.  I don't know how, I don't know why.  But I did love you.  I do love you.  I resented your marriage; maybe because I wanted you – I’ve never loved a man – (Stops.)

(As though she were talking to herself)  It's funny.  It's all mixed up.  There's something in you, and you don’t know it and you don't do anything about it.  Suddenly a little girl gets bored and lies, and there you are, seeing it for the first time.  (Closes her eyes)  I don’t know.  It all seems to come back to me.  In some way I've ruined your life.  I've ruined my own.  I didn’t even know.  (Smiles)  There’s a big difference between us now, Karen.  I feel all dirty and – I can’t stay with you anymore, darling.

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